Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It’s a breakthrough moment many of us can, and do accomplish.

But a lot of us sometimes feel they can’t. Or don’t want to. (I’m one of those people)

I know I’m not alone, thankfully. I used to even think forgiveness isn’t even real. I thought it was something unattainable. But even with me thinking that, and not ‘wanting to’ forgive. I know I must do or find some sort of alternative to forgiveness, in order to find inner peace. I was in the process of writing an article on Colourism, and all the Black Men who hurt me and the Lighter Skinned and Biracial women that watched. But I knew that would also put me in a headspace of being and feeling negative. Becoming angry all over again, as colourism is something that I still need to heal from. But I decided against it. (Growth)  Because I knew it wouldn’t do me any good reminiscing over those horrid memories. So I write this as a weird way in hopes of finding ‘Forgiveness’ or an alt version of it. 

When I was younger, I was very shy (still am), but my family couldn’t understand that. They thought me odd, how can this little girl born into this big Jamaican family who all seemed to hold big personalities, be so… timid? My parents grew up in Jamaica and came to England when they were teens. They’re very Cut throat kinds of people, (Jamaican folk alike) so the way in which they speak can sound a bit harsh, but that’s just how it is. And because of this, and my parents’ ‘tough love’ attitude to situations. I found myself feeling like an alien. I was born March 12th. I’m a pisces, an empath. We don’t do ‘tough love’, so I found it harder in expressing myself because I was shamed for being shy, and also shamed for being sensitive, shamed for trying to defend myself, see parents want you to defend yourself to everyone else, but them.  I lived with my Mother so she did most of the shaming… She also had the same thing with her Mother, but in regards to emotional intelligence, my parents are similar in that aspect. So with my parents being stone cold, it kinda always made sense that they would have an empathetic child like me. So when it comes to forgiveness and my parents, (My Mother Especially) I have to learn to let go, and understand that my Mother’s approach to things wasn’t because she was trying to hurt me(Cause I believe there definitely had been times where she was) but also because she didn’t know any better, and only played the cards she was dealt with. What she did was never right, but it was all she knew. And I have to remember that in order to ‘forgive’. 

I guess one of the hardest parts in forgiving; is forgiving the people who hurt you without any apology or reasoning as to why they did what they did. And of course if you got those things it doesn’t excuse or justify their behaviour by any means. But an explanation, an apology would be better than nothing right?… maybe to some, but WRONG! To me, just like my topsy turvy thoughts on if forgiveness was even a real thing, I don’t think closure from others is. An ex friend of mine once said: ‘Closure is a myth’ I believe her. No amount of apologies or explanations could rid the damaging effect of the wrongdoing done against you. At least in my opinion anyway. 

You heal yourself. That is the only closure you need.

When I was in highschool, a Black guy I liked seemed to like every other race but his own. He used to say he didn’t date Black girls and come up with a stereotype or unjustifiable reason as to why. And he always used to do this, to get under my skin. And me being me, laughed it off. But really, I was hurt.  I didn’t realise how much his comments affected me (And my self esteem)  until years later though, to make it worse, he dated a White Girl, – (There is nothing wrong with that, but she was also  my friend…and she didn’t know I had a crush on him previously….Awkward!)  

Imagine how that must have felt for me back then? A Black Girl, crushing on A Black boy who didn’t seem to like Black Girls, and ended up dating YOUR friend who looked completely different to you.  I learned later, that same guy had a secret crush on me too!.  He just didn’t know how to tell me,  (So I guess ruining my confidence was going to reel me in somehow?) He didn’t think I’d be interested, so in an attempt to get my attention, (Or to ruin my confidence)  he spit the ‘I don’t date Black Girls’ spiel. It got my attention, most definitely.  I learned to ‘Forgive’ him though. We were friends in high school too, and remained friends even after. Our friendship was and is something I still value. But resentment definitely cancers the mind. So I’ve chosen to live and move on as best I can….Besides, when you free yourself of pain. You look younger!

A wise man once said:  ‘Let us Forgive Each Other, Only Then We Will Live In Peace’ I intend to do just that.

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